Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Identity Crisis

So here's whats up.

I have fallen victim to the identity theft game. Yes. Its true. Someone has robbed me of my social security number, created bunk accounts, fraudulently accepted services and health care - using all of my information. The long and short of it is that I'm fucked. Nearly two years ago, I was robbed. I was approached in the parking lot, of a well lit gas station, by an old man wearing a trench coat. Here is the dialogue we exchanged:

"Can I have your purse?" -- Robber.
"Ha..Ha.." -- Me, the fool.
"No. Really." -- Robber.

This man was old enough to be my grandfather and looked mostly harmless. Sadly, I'm always expecting to be raped, attacked, shot, stabbed and die - thus, I was worried he came with weapons. He was calm. I thought he was joking. I laughed. He wasn't joking. I gave him my bag of bullshit and left. I immediately canceled my credit cards and thought all was good in the hood. Turns out, my social security card was in said wallet.

Today, only after receiving checks and a debit card from a bank that has now frozen my accounts so hard that they will not even talk to to me on the phone, for fear that I am Rachel #2 (the perpetrator). The little advice/information they did extend to me was that I need to fetch them a original birth certificate, a new social security card and my most recent tax return. Sadly. I've lost my social security card (like an idiot), only have a copy of my birth certificate and need one or the other to get the valid replacements of either.

In addition to the fuckery that TCF Bank (The Cunt Factory as I have now deemed the institution) is throwing my way, I got served. Yes. Served.

Harmless, older man comes to the door looking as any other salesmen would. This man did not offer lawn services or religious documents - he had a "request and right for garnishment" court document. The document stated that I was to pay $3,500 to some law firm, excluding attorney fees and other miscellaneous fines for a defaulted account. Turns out if you don't hand it to them, they'll come and take it from you. Nice.

Upon close review of this document, I realized that the bank it was going to was not the bank I'd had my one and ONLY credit account with. It was a different bank, account number and amount.

The best part of all of this is that I've been paying on this account for the last 10 months. Because it was another Capital One account, I'd neglected to check for my original account number each billing period. What does this all mean? I've now defaulted on my account, leaving a legitimate $400 dollar debt to my actual name, with an additional $3500 one that the other Rachel Hogan opened up. I'm an idiot.

At this time, it seemed wise to check my credit report. I now have 4 open accounts. ONE OF WHICH I ACTUALLY OPENED. My bank account has now been closed and the bank has "absorbed" my savings. I have a solid 517 credit score and have an appointment with a lawyer on the 3rd.

As though bad doesn't always get worse for me, I began bartending again on Monday. My first table sat for 4 hours, drank water, used 4 extra chairs for coat storage (elimainating the other potential table I might get) and had a bill of $24. He paid with a credit card. My tip? Oh, I was left with a business style card reading:

"I didn't leave a tip. This wasn't because the service was bad, but because you failed to check my ID. The back of my credit card said "see ID". Tell your co-workers."

If you need me, I'll be at home, pissed. I'll be alone, broke - researching identity theft, waiting for my court date and listening to "the sun will come out tomorrow" - by Annie.

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